A Father Twice Over 2-7-08

I just finished reading Jenn’s account of our last few days in Zap., so I will be just sharing some non-sequential thoughts about being with Maxim and Anastacia.

Leaving Kiev was really hard. As Jenn blogged, we had a great day with John and Kevin. They were happy to be with us. They enjoyed being free and doing things, but most of all I believed they were enjoying the time together as a family. There were several times that John and Kevin were kind, affectionate and thoughtful, and I was glad to see those occurrences happening more and more, towards me and Jenn. Jenn talked about the experience about John not telling the truth and us catching him in the act (with the help of our friend Lori). He had said that he was kidding when he told Lori that he only had 4 g, instead of the real 17 g balance. I know there way of life has been one where you have to do things to survive. I am looking forward to showing them a different way to live where survival is not based on what you can take, but what you give. Even though he was caught, I hope he realized there was still much love for him in us, and that we were not abandoning him because of a mistake. I want them to learn that life is about making mistakes and still knowing the unconditional love in Christ, and in his parents for him. So we are praying towards that end.

Jumping ahead, we are now in the director’s office surrounded by a small committee of G, N, and the others Jenn mentioned. I run downstairs to grab our photo album, and Jenn stays in the office and catches the first glimpse at Maxim. They usher him into a room and await Anna’s arrival while I make it back to the office and have a seat. As they come in, I see Max and Anna behind him, and he comes straight to me and gives me a hug I will never forget. I couldn’t really see Anna’s reaction, because I was sitting down, and Max wouldn’t let go for 5 minutes as Jenn said. They both are crying we soon see when he finally is pried off me. It was like time stopped for a few moments. I could hear the voices of the others, and even Jenn, but my attention was on this boy I held in my arms. He hadn’t changed since I saw him in Oct. 2006. He was the same height, same build, had the same face and smile. And he came to me, and wouldn’t let go for all the prodding and encouragement to do so. He was with his Papa, and I was more than fine with that. All the doubts in the back of my mind that Satan recalls to make us doubt had vanished. My boy had chosen me. Our daughter, however, was struggling. She had tears that kept rolling down her face, and I didn’t know what to do to comfort her. I reached out for her to touch her arm, to let her know I loved her and it was like stone. She didn’t pull away, which was good. But I could only imagine that she was so frightened from all the people in there. We did look through pictures and there were eventually some smiles. When the question was asked would they want to be apart of our family, more tears began to fill the room, Anna afraid of leaving the place she was and Maxim afraid he would be made to stay and watch his Papa and Mama leave again without him.

Later that night, it was decided that they would stay with us in our room. Maxim was affectionate, wanting to wrestle and cuddle. I began noticing Anna having more of a favorable reaction to me with him, and she even let me hug her goodnight. We turned the lights out, and went to bed, all of us, as a family. My thoughts were so excited to have my son and daughter sleeping next to us. I was worried our snoring would keep them awake all night, but they both joined in do to their head and chest colds (LOL). I also thought about John and Kevin, and how I missed them. My mind was imagining thousands of scenarios of what it would be like to have the whole family together. And it dawned on me how close I was to Z and that I missed him as part of the equation. I drifted off soon thereafter, but woke up several times during the night and gazed at my boy sleeping next to me. At about 4am, he started making his way over into my bed right next to his, and I chuckled when I realized he just wanted to be close to me. By first light, Maxim’s arm was over my chest and his head was against my arm. We started getting up about 6:30am. Anna first, and she smiled when she came back in from the bathroom, and noticed Max half in his bed and half in mine. Jenn joined us in the waking world and decided to get up and put some music on from the computer. This prompted Max to join me all the way in my bed to cuddle and pretend he was still sleeping. It was a wonderful way to wake up to the second day with our kids from Zap.

The day went well. I also enjoyed seeing all the school and orphanage. We learned about 250 kids at the orphanage/school. About 100 kids live there and only about 30 something are true orphans, who had lost both their parents. Max and Anna are 2 of those, although they have an older brother and sister that visit them, that we are hoping to meet before we leave Zap. The highlight had to be one of the things Jenn mentioned in her blog, about the geography class. By the end of the session I was ready to bring Artum home with us! A brilliant young man and a heart for our daughter (as did his classmates) that I will never stop appreciating. This group of people operated as a family where none was present. I am so grateful that God allowed our daughter to be where she has been for the past 2+ years. Maxim, on the other hand, has shuffled around so much, I am glad he will be with us soon, and we can begin to help him mature into the man God has created him to be. We met with Anna’s speech therapist and more tears and doubts about coming or staying. We were asked if the kids should come to spend the night with us, and I made the decision to have them stay in their rooms tonight, thinking maybe Anna needed the space and time to talk with some of her friends. We got back to our room, and Jenn and I were both seriously doubting whether we should have let them come and stay. We didn’t want to send the wrong signal, but we were also knowing the next day was decision day, and we were trying not to totally put our hearts out there to be crushed if her decision was no. We also discussed Maxim’s fate to go or stay. It seemed to us he had decided to go, with no reservations. We started watching a short movie on the computer, with the little battery life we had left, since internet had not been possible thus far, and a knock on the door. It was Max and he plopped down to watch with us. Shortly after, Anna joined us to, and she was ready to change and get ready for bed. Somewhere the message of not staying with us either never made it to them, or they decided to come anyways, so we let it go and welcomed them to stay. We did communicate quite a bit for the next hour, despite our language barrio. We got a lot of use out of the 2 dictionaries we brought and even have a family joke about a horse that Jenn has already told. Max cuddled with Jenn and Anna and I laid on my bed next to them. It was a great family night. At lights out, my boy Max, was cuddle next to me, skipping the starting out in his bed and was asleep in my arms within 7 minutes. I thought again how good God is, and upon hearing everyone entering “snorville” I joined them. At about 3am, my arm was numb and woke me up in pain because the little guy had not moved from laying on it, so I finally withdrew it from being underneath him and turned over. Being knew to this as a Dad, I hoped I wouldn’t wake him, and turned over. Max didn’t miss a beat, and through his little arm up over me and snuggled against me even closer. I laughed and thought I would wake Jenn up, and soon made it back to sleep.

As morning came, it was Anna and I waking up first again, and prompting the rest of the crew to join the waking world. Off to school, and breakfast (ugh fish again), and to the meeting with N, our dear friend Yana to interpret and our friendly staff. As we watched our kids sign those statements to join our family, I recalled just a week earlier a very different scene with John and Kevin. It was a much more sterile environment, but the same outcome. Maxim and Anastacia would join their brothers as the newest additions to the Smith family, pending the courts approval.

Anna has been great ever since. It seemed that the doubts were gone and it would be some smooth sailing for at least a while. Maxim on the other hand, through a huge attitude/fit, and we couldn’t figure out what was causing it. I tried to comfort him, Jenn tried to comfort him, Anna tried, and several friends tried as well. Nothing seemed to penetrate what was going on in his world, and none of us could get in to figure it out. It was finally time t leave, and more crying erupted. We realized part of it might have been because we were leaving. That was confirmed and the staff began to tell him that we would be back in 2 days. Nothing was consoling him, as I am sure the last time he said goodbye to us, had been over a year of time passed before we returned. Tomorrow as we get to seem him again, I am hoping he will become confident that we are not leaving him again.

So that is a little perspective from this Father and what he has been going through in our computer silence. Jenn and I are enjoying some much needed alone space. We have loved all our time with Lori and the family, our time with the kids at the orphanage, but to finally get a little time alone after 3 weeks today, was a much needed thing.

We love you all and so appreciate your continued prayers. So, Papa Mark signing off until the next episode of God’s plan through Ukraine to grow the Smith tribe. Hope you enjoyed all the details.

Until He is known
Papa Mark