Common behaviors from negative backgrounds in adopted children

Hey all ;)

As time is getting closer... wanted to share some things that may be helpful in "really getting" our kids. God may bless, and all our kids be "easy" but chances are :) some of these things will be a part of our lives as we all work on lovin our kiddos :) Not speaking negative over the kids, just want to share some practical insight into our lives. The bottom line for our children is that they have spent the last several if not all of the years of their lives in an institution. There have been rules, there are consequences, but there is also a "self government" of the kids, a pecking order and they are and have been in survival mode for a long time. Being safe is not the norm for them, much less "feeling safe." I caught one of our kids at Valerie's hording of all things, plastic zip top bags. Cute and funny at the time, but also something that was on his mind and something he knew he could use and wanted later. He took them out of her pantry. & yes, took, not asked. Zip top bags are not the issue, the issue is he took what he wanted with out asking, and he was hording. These are behaviors that in time we will work on as a family. You can ask Brenda Philips who spent time with the kids in Bham this last summer about the pecking order. Younger kids were fearful to have the quilt she made stolen from them or that they would get "beat up" to get it. & Please do understand, beat up here means exactly what it is written as. Pummeled. I do not know which part of the pecking order our kids were in. I suspect that they can all "hold their own" including our dear daughter. Do I expect a major manifestation of aggression? No. But could it happen? Yes.

God willing, we will be starting with 14,&12 year olds teaching them what your average 14-12 year old knows about family and about discipline. Most of all, we will be teaching them about unconditional LOVE. The first thing that we will be trying to teach is

Papa & Mama are the safe place. Papa & Mama say yes and no. Ask Papa & Mama first. Papa & Mama meet your needs. All of this of course in the light of Christ.

There has to be a foundation for them and if they are to believe anything we say (including what we share about Jesus) they must first believe that we are who we say we are and that we will do what we say we will do... Hebrews 11: "But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him" (11:6; NKJV) Please, no disrespect intended, we are not God, but we are in the parental roll & similarly we need them to know they have to come to us, and by so doing they will be "rewarded" with their needs being met time and again to build their trust in us. We were really kind of baffled by the idea of 14 & 15 year old kids asking their parents for the simple things, "Mama can I get a drink of water?" by that age of course if you want it go get it... but they are being taught dependence on their parents to build trust in their parents. That in turn will teach them to trust others and ultimately Christ.

Thank you for being with us on this journey. We need each of you and your prayers!

Love,
Mark and Jenn.

From book by Dave Ziegler, Ph.D.

"Traumatic Experience and the Brain"

Understanding and Treating Those Traumatized as Children

There are a number of common behaviors that arise from negative perceptions of the world that a child has been brought up in:

� Aggression - If I come on strong, they may not notice how weak I really am.

� Self-Centeredness - If I don't take more than I need, I won't get anything.

� Demands - Give me what I want now!

� Lying, cheating and stealing - The big three are used to even the playing field that the child believes is stacked against him.

� Being sexual - It feels good, everyone freaks out, and I get everyone's undivided attention, definitely a win situation.

� Verbal abuse - I know you don't like me, but I don't like you either, so there!

Treatment Implications:

� It is your job to get the task across in a way the child can understand.

� Most problematic behaviors were once survival adaptations to the environment.  now the child must adopt once again and this time he has your help.

� Give the child opportunities to discuss and think about threats he perceives.  This discussion provides an opportunity for his reasoning mind to enter into the picture.  The goal is to have the child bring more thought and consideration to daily living.

� Help the child learn to wait.  This may not seem like an important skill but actually it is important to learn for all, especially traumatized children.  To continue to believe that "Now is the only opportunity" is to reinforce the lack of belief in the future.

� Teach children to learn to use their emotions rather than have emotions use them.  The child would love to have power and control over everything.  Challenge her to at least have power and control over her emotions.

� Teach the child the difference between reacting and respondingg.  Essentially this difference comes down to how much thought goes into the process.

� Help the child learn to reframe her perceptions of events.  Offer a positive alternative or at least neutral view of events.

� Work toward perceptions that provide situational consistency.  Help the child see that the environment does provide continuity from one hour and one day to the next.

� What the child lacks in self-regulation must be provided by structure and consistency in the environment.  It is essential that the child find high levels of predictability in the environment.

� Teach and model healthy expression of feelings.  What makes you happy, what makes you sad?

� Think out loud for the child what you believe is going on inside him: "I bet you are now thinking that..."  This helps the child look into the mirror and see himself with your help.

� Reinforce approximations of positive behavior.  Do not get too stuck on the content, but rather reinforce the process of thinking and feeling.

� The traumatized child will learn best when there are five positive statements for every negative correction.  It is the best way to achieve success.