thinking out loud

Mark ~ it's been 3 weeks, 5 days, and to many hours since I saw you last. If you find a copy of Share the Well… listen past the last song, and to the "hidden track" on the CD. There is the bottom line. If you can't find it just know, I miss you…

 

The kids are climbing the walls, and they feel like they are closing in on us. As a bonus today our daughter has decided that she will not smoke in America. Good to know…

 

Our youngest had a moment last night, he was due one, it was well past his turn. This morning however since all his jeans were "moh cree" (wet)  he had a few minutes to hang out with just me. We were well over our tift from last night and I was back to "Mama Baby" as opposed to some other more colorful terms of endearment. I much prefer to be Mama Baby, trust me, you would too. When he gives you a grin and snuggles up to you and hugs you like there is no tomorrow pretty much all the reasons in the world NOT to do this melt. You are left with the only reason you did it to start with… LOVE… and all HE is…

 

Pondering this person, LOVE, and His characteristics again this morning, I am left thinking of how short I fall, I know I am not alone. I'm in good company with the rest of you, oh don't be offended, for Pete's sake, you know it is true. You also know it is true that no matter how short we fall, we are His. End of story. Beginning of Life. Truth be told, I would much rather go through this with the rest of you who are His than any one person who is not. Now if that is offensive to you ask yourself why? When I am home and human we can talk about it. What I know is this, my Dad loves me, just as I am. With all the faults I have, with all the ways I looked down the list at what Love is and saw how many times in the last 13 weeks I have unspeakably missed the mark, plainly He still thinks I am great. That is so confusing. How could you love me when you know what I have done, and failed to do and how often?  If it blows my mind, think what it does to the mind of a newly adopted child. It is the same you know.

 

They are so confused. There is this language barrier. We all go through it as new adoptees… and it is hard. Like, when someone says, turn to "Victory in Jesus." You don't need a book for this, you all know the words! Well, that isn't true. See I am part of "you all" and I have been for wow… I forgot, not only did I turn 35 but I turned 15 this year too…

 

(Oh Mom & Dad… I am sooooo sorry I did not think to tell you Happy Anniversary… oh I am so sorry… I just this moment realized. Ugh… I swear this process can make you crazy and you just don't think… Wow… 15 years! Tears… You two are so amazing. I just love you both so much. I will make it up to you I promise soon as I get home! I have missed so much this year…when some one asks me in December where did this year go I will tell them "to Ukriane" LOL)

 

Anyway… as a 15 year old in Christ, I do most certainly not know all the words to Victory in Jesus, or nearly any other hymn to be frank.  & it isn't that I don't like them, hymns, I do, I just like things that "sound" more like what I "grew up on" as a "child" which as a Christian was in college. So that means those are more the contemporary sounding choruses. If you take a hymn like the folks from Passion on Hymns Ancient and Modern even if you do not know my "heart language" at least there is an effort in the direction of my "dialect." If that makes sense to you… The kids are the same. I have made an effort even though I do not speak their language to try words, to make sounds, and make a consciences effort to connect to them so they want to try to be around and learn more from me and heaven forbid, I might learn from them! Who knows, I might even find that their Russian sounds pretty some times. Not just like they are about to sneeze or cough on me.

 

Past language, there is this difference in our cultures. When you first come to The Family, when you are newly adopted… there are things that are a part of your "old life" that while you are perfectly accepted, your habits might not be. This is surely confusing. Especially when for example that means say smoking at age 12… please do not be shocked by this. You can buy them anywhere any time and pretty much with out any question as to whom for at any age. That is par for the course in a worldly sense. When that is where you are coming from and you are trying to integrate into The Family… one you do not know and do not know how to live in that system, it can create a real upheaval for you in every way. Physically, Emotionally and most surely Spiritually. Coming to grips with this new system and what is ok and not ok anymore is something that takes a lot of time. At 15 in Christ, I still do not get some times the rigidity of "religion" as opposed to the flexibility of "relationship." & I can smell it coming. Having lived "outside" The Family "religion"/ "rigid traditionalism" is a stench that is way to familiar and hyper unpalatable to me. Tell you a secret, case you don't know it already… It BREEDS REBELLION. (look at Really does. Same with the kids. Finding a balance of relationship, and respect for tradition with acceptance of beginning new traditions together is altogether important. Hearing, "because we have always done it this way" is just not acceptable as a rational. There has to be a give and take to be successful in forming relationships with those who are "outside the family" trying to learn to be a part of the family. This is not to say compromise values, or what Christ says do and do not do, but it is to say, make an effort to understand why someone thinks or does things the way they do. Maybe it is out of ignorance for a more Christ like way, maybe it is out of fear from things they have experienced in the past, or out of hurt? I don't know, but I am sure that listening, really listening is a huge step in the right direction. That means with out interruption by the way. Letting someone complete their thoughts. Letting someone get down to what they really mean… even if it takes a cup of coffee or two… or in my case juice or ice cream bar… It might mean leaving from that time knowing that the only ground gained was that the person heard themselves out loud for the first time. Even if that "got you no where" they may replay that conversation again later and think to themselves, "hum… why do I act this way?"

 

My Campus Minister, whom I adored, and who must be having the time of his life with Jesus now since his passing last year, taught a class to (deliberately put) "New Parents of College Students."  Ok, you are thinking, there is nothing "new" about being a parent of a college student. Ahhhhh but you see you are wrong. There is plenty new about it. There is plenty new about adopting a child or five or twenty into the family too. Bill used to ask the parents to consider a mobile that would hang over a child's crib. Brilliant because that is where so many parents are when they are trying to accept a child as some what of an adult all the while looking at them thinking, "this is still my baby." It has a delicate balance. The family does too. When you add a member to the family, or a new tiny plane or  bear, to the mobile, it tips out of balance… same when you take one away. The whole system is thrown. Same with a family. Same with the body of Christ. It is not a "bad thing" just an "adjustment" thing. If someone comes in, or goes out, you have new gifts to discover, or try to take up the slack for their being removed. If you grab the new piece and pull it harshly the whole device shakes and everyone gets scrambled sometimes even tangled up.

 

We are adding 4 new parts to our family. To yours too if you are a part of ours, or we are a part of yours however you choose to look at life. Point is, it is going to take some time to balance with out getting tangled up in each other and to learn to find that harmony we all cherish so much called peace. May not be an easy task. Sure has not been here with one giant piece of our "mini mobile" missing. The balance is WAY off. But we are all working on it. Trying to get into a place that will help us make it.  Please pray for us for that balance. Please pray for yourselves and ask "how do I fit into helping them balance" and how to do I fit into helping my Church Family balance. Each of you are important. Thank you for letting me join your local family and be a part for the last few years. I have learned from each of you.

 

Last thing from this morning that I have been rehashing in my mind/struggling with a little in this concept of love is the "unconditional" part. See the reason my daughter told me this morning that she would not smoke in America is because yesterday for kicks she gave it a try. That was yesterday, and we talked about it, and she knows my stance, and knows it is a no no and knows that I am not crazy about what the boys are doing but that Saturday is coming and that is the end of it. She was fine with that. She told me she wouldn't do it again. This morning, she was mad because I told her to make her bed up before she got dressed as we all share one common room. My "punishment" for this wicked request on my part was that she went slam outside and smoked a cigarette not because like John and Kevin who have been doing this since they were 6 and 7 respectively and have a problem to overcome, nope hers was a case of shear spite and malice. And yes, over the fact that I asked her to make her bed first. Go figure. Point being thus, I love her. She blew it. She offended me big time. She did it willingly, came slam in the house sat as close to me as she could to ensure that I smelled her offense and then giggled in my face like "so there, that will teach you, watch me hurt you for telling me what to do." I was in the right to make the request. Some times in life we are not. Some times we pick fights. Some times stuff is none of our business and we get up in the middle of it with our family feeling like we are "justified" because we are in fact a family member. Doesn't matter. Thing is I love her. She knows it. So, she did what she did, knowing pretty (not full) well what it would do to me, and (and this is a good thing even though it doesn't look good for her as you read it) that I would accept her and love her and forgive her. Shake your head here… WHY DO WE HURT THE PEOPLE WE LOVE THE MOST? Age old question… Age old answer, "BECAUSE WE CAN." We can and they forgive us and love us no matter what and eventually we can work it out because we do really love each other. No matter what the transgression or how stupid we have been… when we really love each other nothing is "unpardonable."

 

I dunno…These are my thoughts for the morning… enjoy your coffee and your day… I have ONE MORE LEFT HERE and then we are coming home and planning to "shake things up" by adding to the family.

 

Love and blessings,

Jenn