I was asked to get to 21 by 2pm. This means leaving my side of town by 12pm. I followed directions. I got the present two ready, and that is not a small feat. Got them on 45, got them to Darnitsa, got them on the metro, got them to Nyvki, got the flowers to pucker with, got them on 226, and got out to the orphanage.
Once there I had all these thoughts go through my mind. Max asked me on the bus if I was afraid, the answer was absolutely not. My thoughts were of my family. My boys at 21 getting out of there, and there was no fear, because His perfect love casts out all fear. He cast that out before we went to court. This has been a matter of time, and being controlled by the system. I talked to the guard. I asked A & M to wait outside on the play ground. Asked if that was ok with him, he said that was ok. I said the Director had asked for me, he said go up. I walked up the steps, thinking, please Lord, let this be the last time I have to go up there, please let me get my boys today.
I got there and no kidding, was told that the admin folk would not make it there till 6pm. I was amazed… not amused, but amazed. My boys had to go to school all day. They had to endure one more time going through classes. It was torture for them.
Finally, the lady got there from Admin. Finally, the papers were signed. Finally… we walked out. The hardest thing for me was when we got more than half way up the alley… and I cry even as I type this, and then I can’t cry, and suck it up… for later, cause I can’t and have to explain why I get tearful… :) I heard, “Kuzen!!! Zuzen!!!” and it was Yuri… and he was waving frantically “Paka! Paka!” I looked over my shoulder to see blonde Vova… I felt a lump in my throat that was thick and familiar and that hurt like no one can imagine less you have been here done this and just kind of “know” in your heart what you are feeling is like you are leaving someone behind again… Right now… I have to get through this war. I am not sure, I just feel, and later when I know we can talk about it, right now, I just know it was like my heart was being torn out again… the only thing to do was face forward and walk in that direction in prayer.
We had lunch/dinner with Lori at Mc.D’s. Her treat… which I still say is ridiculous but which I thanked her for profusely. She is impossible and I love her. We got home, and we watched the kids play in the court yard outside the apartment for a while. Then we had the new version of “bed time war” where my daughter who had previously been kissing me and hugging me was now flashing lightning eyes at me telling me she is not going to America and she will sleep in the street and she is “trash.” Further that I think she is trash. That is enough to shred you right there… how can she think that? I mean like I know that it is possible, and I know that she did… I know… but I was still like, oh little girl, you will understand some day I realize that day is far off right now, but some day you will get it too… I hope. My heart just hurts for her as the only girl in this boy house, and with out my being able at this moment to just really drive it home she is different and special and that I really understand her female emotions.
Pop called, and the boys all talked to him. John at one point, totally unsolicited said, “I want to go to America right now. I want Pop.” I was so thankful to hear him. It was his heart. At one point earlier when we were at Mc. D’s he was like, “I’m going to fly to America tonight like Superman.” Lori and I just grinned. He is so precious. Kevin talked to Mark for a minute. He is so crazy and soooo excited to get out of here. He is learning. He is watching. He is slowly “getting it too.” I gave him a job to go and get apples today. He was thrilled at the idea that he was trusted to do this job. When we were at dinner last night, the question came, “boys, if you want, I will take you back to 21 again so that you may say goodbye again to your friends.” Kevins eyes flashed up and he said, “NO MAMA… I don’t want to, “eve so” which is to say PERIOD. John echoed he never wants to go there again. There is no reason to in their eyes, and you know my take on that is as they wish at right now…
Later we will visit the Magdych family. Lori surprised me this am by coming over. I am taking “time out” to get this post together for your am coffee and the Saturday work day I think is going on at our house… ya’ll can’t imagine the love and true gratitude I have for each of you as you are finishing off that space for our family. The family that is now, beloved Husband, ALMOST ASSEMBLED… You my heart are not here, and so therefore, we are not yet assembled... Sorry for not being able to “really talk” last night… or basically since January when we got here… Each day my heart grows for you… each day I think of you and each day I believe we are insane, but we are insane together.. which is all that after nearly 10 years really matters aye? You and I are the impossible boy… To God be the Glory every day… now and always Beloved… now and always…
I love you…
J
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